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Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Now Me...

I have a break from work these next two weeks! Woo-HOO! I feel like it is safe to take care of myself while no one is home to worry about. I could absolutely ramble on and on about all of the things I've been doing lately, but I must focus on the future and get out of the freakn' past which I feel is holding me back.

As I think about what would help in my life, I wonder why I am so confused by the things going on around me. I feel like as I get older I should be getting wiser, and I am not sure that is always happening.

Maybe as I am getting wiser... I realize more that things really don't make any sense and it's almost pointless to try to make sense of them, because that is what confuses myself even more and then I feel as though I am becoming "dumber".

The pit in my stomach... DEAL don't shove it away with food.

Isolating... Who? Allow them to serve you.

Church / God / Beliefs ... How in moderation? Why? Remember...

I have actually been going to OA again. I went back in July 2007. But... as I've gone back this time, I think I realize my problem is my confusion about God.

Also... I talked to my mom last week, and I LOVE her perspective. I actually talked to my mom again about 20 minutes ago. I told her that I am going to reach out to her more. I need more support with my religious beliefs, and I do feel like my mom and dad are a great place to start.

Although... Last week when talking to my mom about church, I was surprised when she told me that she doesn't know for sure that there is a God. Ut Oh! I was thinking I don't want this thought in my head. I couldn't even go there. BUT... I am so glad that I told her about how I felt, because I suggested that we both be a little more supportive to each other about religion. I NEED her support and her testimony. I value her testimony. I know she knows exactly where I am coming from. I miss venting to my mom, but I have been too proud and honestly too busy to go visit or call her more often.

Too proud... now there's a weird phrase. I actually don't think of myself as a "vain" person. But... I am way too proud to ask for help. I really think I can do it all on my own. I don't ask God for help, friends, family, church members, nope... I can do it on my own. Grrr.... that's what gets me in trouble. I dig a very deep hole and when I am in there alone it really is impossible to get out of.

I know I have much to offer. I know that when I ask for help, I am allowing others around me to serve me. I really do know that God loves me and wants me to be happy. I am also very inspired by my son who reminds me to pray. He reminds me that in the middle of the night when I wake up with a tummy ache that I should ask God to help me feel better.

Favorite movie this year: Into the Wild

Favorite book: Eat, Love, Pray and Little Prince with my 5th graders


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