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Friday, March 21, 2008

Extremely Exciting

June 23, 2002 Kona, Hawaii

I am so excited that my husband and I had a deep, heartfelt conversation tonight! I LOVE my DH more than words can say.

We actually had a very small disagreement this afternoon about DD, and I truly prayed and meditated for guidance about how to handle it and be calm, and when I discussed it with him, he said he meditated/prayed too. We were easily able to work it out, and what really could have become a big deal, didn't.

So that was the first great, exciting thing. The next thing:

We went out to dinner at Citrus Grill. It was delicious, but more importantly we had a great conversation. I really felt like he was opening up to me. He has said in the past that he is a "shallow person", btw my amazing friend, Rachel, sent me this great article about being shallow:

So... it's difficult for him to really have deep conversations. Plus... he said that sometimes having deep conversations with his wife (lol ME) antimidates him. SO SO SO... we had a serious and very deep conversation about God. I was able to ask him about questions that had been bothering me about step two in OA:

What do I want God to BE and Do? What do I need from God?

I loved DH's answers. He really told me that he does meditate / pray and what form his answers come in. I was so happy!!! I LOVED having this conversation with him. I LOVE how my husband is so accepting and patient with me. He really told me that he prayed often for peace and guidance. I even asked if maybe we can pray together sometime. He was a little hesitant about this, but I think maybe and that it is absolutely dependant on me and my patience and understanding of him.

So... here's my short/unfinished list so far:

What do I want my God to be:

Helpful, patient, supportive, all knowing- knows when, how, and through whom to communicate with me. Guiding, assertive, continual, honest,

Help, guide, lift, and carry me through life. Talk to me, tell me, remind me, stay with me, have continual, unconditional love for me, perform miracles, respond

What do I NEED:
I need God with me always, tapping me on the shoulder or coming into my mind and telling me that He Loves ME! I need Him to carry me through life's trials unwavering, I need reminding that I cannot do this alone and that He is there, always, to help me. I need Him to help me especially when I cannot help myself, and help communicating with and reaching out to others and myself, a friend, companion, I need His presence in my life.

These are definitely ongoing lists to which I hope to add things continually. I have struggled deeply with my relationship with God. This has really scared me. I've felt very lost at times in this life. I worry that God might leave me because of my doubts. BUT... I am realizing that a lot of my doubts are about RELIGION not God. I need to separate the two to regain my sanity.

This is like the last picture we took together!

July 2007! We need a new one LOL!!!

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